Narcissistic Power

Why do some people give in to narcissists, submitting to their demands, enabling their behavior, tolerating manipulation, or staying in toxic relationships? Consider the following factors:

1. Better “the devil you know” – early life conditioning

Having a narcissistic parent or caregiver is likely to create distorted expectations about relationship. One of the most disturbing is when a victim has come to believe that “if he doesn’t hit me, he doesn’t love me.” Amazingly, some people believe this.

2. Low Self-Wort h and the desperate need for approval

No one is born with low self-worth! It  is a learned attitude and set of beliefs. One client reported that her mother would regularly tell her, “I wish you’d never been born. I’d be better off without you.” It stands to reason that this person would grow up able to endure all kinds of abuse, just for a crumb of approval and affection. Thus, a narcissist can have his way with her.

3. A regular diet of mixed messages from parents and other authorities

A confused person is easy to manipulate. One sure way to create confusion is to give him mixed messages, as in, “Of course I love you, now leave me alone.”  I call this “Push-Pull”. At one moment, the narcissist pulls you toward her; the next moment, she pushes you away. You are always confused and always looking for that next message of love and acceptance. This makes you vulnerable and needy.

4. Anxiety, Shame, and Conflict Avoidance

Many people will do almost anything to avoid conflict. They lack confidence in their ability to make their case; they hesitate, second-guess themselves, and often conclude that the other person is probably right.  They cannot tolerate the tension of disagreement; thus, they always give in. This person is a prime target for a narcissist.

5. Unequal emotional needs

The narcissist will almost never express any kind of emotional neediness to her victim. One exception is when the narcissist senses that the victim has pulled away, and the narcissist aims to regain control of him. She may “love bomb” him, which could include saying things like “I don’t know what gets into me sometimes; I guess I just need you so much I get nasty. I hate myself. I need you so much.” Etc. etc. blah blah blah. 

What to do about it:

Look at yourself. If you are in a toxic relationship, you must ask one crucial question: what do I need from her? What do I keep hoping to get from this person? 

Super important idea: no narcissist can hurt you unless you want or need something from him. Once you have let go of your need for anything from that person – security, protection, sex, acceptance – that person has no more power to harm you emotionally. The problem is: how to see reality and find the inner strength and self-belief that allows you to let go.

This is where working with a therapist comes in. If you are interested in pursuing t his, please feel free to call 219-309-3928 for a brief, free consultation. 

For more thoughts click Narcissism

Thanks for reading!