Trust, Fear, Love

A distorted idea of love can lead people to make horribly bad decisions.

In speaking to their counselors, clients present a wide variety of words and phrases to describe their problems. Among the endless stream of words, a number of them stand out, because they come up so often. To name just a handful of the most common complaints: “i’m stressed out. I feel stuck. I have low self-esteem. i worry about everything. I feel drained. I can’t focus. I can’t get motivated.”

In the area of relationships, one of the most common complaints is, “I have trust issues.” And in practically the same breath, that person might also say, “I love him.” Or he might say, “I love her, but I don’t trust her.”

Experience has proved that people in a damaged relationship do not grasp the connection between broken trust and fear. The person who does not trust has anxiety, which is a kind of fear; that is, the fear that the other person might cause her some kind of emotional or even physical pain.

We see that lack of trust is always the product of fear. And when we experience the kind offear that we call anxiety – fear of what someone might do or say – do we want to be close to her? Do we want to let ourselves be vulnerable to him? Of course not. To the contrary, in such a case we feel the need to protect ourselves from the person who might hurt us. And how is it that one can possibly experience love for a person whose actions or speech we fear?

Thus, when a person says, ‘I love him, but I don’t trust him”, what is she really saying? Does she have any idea what she is thinking or feeling? If she were pressed, could she verbalize what she means when she says that she loves the person she fears? In my practice when I have asked this question, not one client has been able to answer it.

Close relationships must be based on trust, among other things, such as commitment, common values, honesty and integrity, to name just a few. And yet, it is astonishing to have witnessed so many people in a committed relationship, even though the other person broke trust, by cheating or by being dishonest or mean or being an emotional loose cannon.

You may be in a relationship that is suffering from broken trust, and be wondering whether trust can be restored. The fact is that trust can be restored, but it depends almost entirely on the commitment of both people, on the willingness to admit to one’s individual flaws and the absolute determination to make personal changes. Without such powerful motivation, repairing trust is impossible.

If this speaks to your situation and you would like to explore the repairing of broken trust, please reach out. The phone number is (219) 309-3928.

For further thought click here How to Build Trust.

And on my Home Page, check out my new book, a practical guide offering countless proven methods for handing conflict in relationships.

Thanks for reading!