Forgive Yourself

Have you ever done something so wrong or so misguided that you couldn’t live it down? If so, how did you deal with it? Did you feel guilty or ashamed? Did you try to bury it way back in a dark corner of your mind? Did you numb the painful memories with alcohol, drugs, overeating or over working? In other words, were you unable or unwilling to forgive yourself?

The idea of forgiving oneself is somewhat misunderstood. Since the inability or refusal to do so damages one’s happiness, it seems worthwhile to look into it. 

Let’s get one thing out of the way right now. We are not talking about forgiveness in the spiritual sense; that is, in the sense that God forgives sins. This is about the need to let go of a painful part of the past, and to stop beating oneself up emotionally. 

Please consider the following principle: The only reason to look at the past is to learn from it.

With that in mind, we can seek useful ways to review our mistakes. In the language of therapy, we call this “processing the experience.” Processing has a special meaning in this case. Processing is about asking questions, perhaps starting with the questions a reporter would ask about a news story:

What happened? Where and when did it occur? Who was involved?

How did it happen? Why did this happen? Who was responsible?

What damage has been caused? What sort of repair is necessary?

Beyond such basic questions, the real work of processing is getting to the meaning of the experience. In order to do that, we can explore deeper questions, such as  …

How has the experience affected me? What did it mean to me that this thing happened?

How did the experience affect …

My behavior?

My relationships?

My attitude?

My values and goals?

My emotions?

My dreams?

My hopes?

My choices?

My opinion of myself?

My self-esteem and self-confidence

My opinion about people? About love? About relationships?  

 It is absolutely essential that we think about the meanings we have attached to our errors or misdeeds. Especially important is that we notice whether we have come to a negative conclusion about who we are, over and above what we did. In addition notice the negative language we use that stops us from forgiving ourselves. Language such as, “I can’t let this go.” “There must be something wrong with me.” “I will never forgive myself for this.” “I hate myself.”

In these cases outside intervention is called for. It may involve help from a spiritual advisor, a trusted friend or a professional therapist. . However, in my experience, ordinary talk therapy will not always provide relief. Fortunately, there are other evidence-based therapies available, which target these emotional issues. I practice two of these forms of therapy.

If this speaks to you. and you are ready to end this self-defeating cycle, please feel free to reach out. The phone number is (219) 309-3928. I would be honored to be of service.

For more thoughts click Forgiving

Thanks for reading!